Have you ever wondered how the penis photography on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist manages to be so uniformly grainy, forlorn, and badly lit? Whether the penis owner is sitting on his toilet or lounging on his couch next to a dirty sandal, it’s almost like he’s trying to depress the shit out of you (or maybe that’s just us). Well, wonder no more! FunnyorDie introduces us to Paul Jacoby, Craigslist Penis Photographer and Mickey Rourke super-fan (masterfully played by Bob Odenkirk of “Mr. Show” fame). “This might be the Casual Encounters section, but there’s nothing casual about what I do,” says Paul. “Need a hairy guy? That’s a human being. With a need.” His medium is “cock” and his work is “modern Americana folk art.” And he may well be a genius.

photo by Anirudh Koul

Our contributor Antonio Reis, a first year at Wesleyan, has a confession to make:

Is it normal for a guy shy of 20 to want to sleep with a 50-year-old? Would society really frown upon me doing a woman three decades older than me?

What if it was Madonna?

Yes, one of my wet dreams is doing The Holy Mother of Music, in all her acid-rock glory. It would be a rough-and-tumble event. I’m quite sure those  muscular ripples — she does have the body of an immortal — would beat up my appendages, which at the moment resemble Amy Winehouse’s. In her one-piece leotard, channeling the days of ABBA, a glowing disco ball turning above us, we would perform positions that would make the Marquis de Sade gasp. Erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body.

When I tell friends, they look at me and laugh, as if I’m joking. What they don’t realize is I’m dead serious. It blows my mind that the world doesn’t feel the way I do. (At least Louis Vutton agrees with me, having chosen her to be the face of their brand this season. And it’s high time Louis V brought some flossy flossy up in that joint.) I just want to connect to the sky / future lovers fly there in mission style. And in my fantasies, Madge and I are future lovers…
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photo by peregrine blue

Lately everyone from Oprah to Real Simple to the guy at Harvard who teaches a class on happiness has been talking about gratitude journals — you know, every night you write down, say, five things you were grateful for that day. Could be big things (my wonderful supportive family) or small (Honey Bunches of Oats at midnight). Sounds too simplistic to make you feel better about your life, right? But if you’ve ever tried it then you know it actually works! So if you have a gratitude journal, great; if not, start one. Then, make sure you dedicate at least one of the items on your list every day to something sex- or romance-related: my Hitachi Magic Wand, the response I got on online personals, the delicious dinner my partner cooked for me, choosing sex over tv, the look on my spouse’s face when I surprised them with a pre-sex massage, spontaneous declarations of love from my partner, Babeland Natural Organics lube, etc. If gratitude journals work on your life in general, then why not on your love life?

photo by Daniel Sandoval

Okay, so we know we’re fond of saying that our sex advice requires neither a yoga mat nor a devotion to ’90s Sting. It’s not that we have anything against yogis, we just think that the ability to wrap one’s legs around one’s head isn’t necessarily the answer to everyone’s sex problems. That said, we feel it is our duty to report on a recent finding that sexually unsatisfied women who practiced mindfulness and yoga experienced increased levels of arousal and desire and better orgasms. Aw yeah. (Plus, yoga can help guys with premature ejaculation, too.)

This research actually makes total sense to us, given that the key factor seems to be the kind of mindfulness that yoga can nurture. In other words, yoga doesn’t improve your sex life because it makes you more bendy, it improves your sex life because it helps you stay focused. Women are notoriously easily distracted during sex — whereas men on the road to an orgasm generally find it much easier to maintain a one-track mind. (Why do you think so many women just aren’t that into porn — all we can think about is how bad the dialogue or dye-job is!) A woman might be having a grand old time in bed and suddenly she notices that she hasn’t shaved her legs or she hears the phone ring or she remembers that she left her Blackberry at work and — oh, there goes her orgasm. Better luck next time.

So, if your 2009 resolution is to have better sex, turns out there are worse things you could do than to break out that yoga mat. Just watch out for Inappropriate Yoga Guy.

photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Tis the season to return all those unwanted gifts and exchange them for some better booty. So the little strumpet is not paying you enough attention? Exchange him/her for this year’s updated model.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Oh, you so horny. Oh, oh, you so horny. Oh, you so horny. You love s/he long time.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Danger ahead. Proceed with caution. Go slow. Watch for sharp turns in the road. Get AAA for your genitals.

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photo by W00kie

We’ll be regularly posting quick and easy tips you can take home with you and try out on any given night. Whether you’re a newbie, a playa, or a committed monogamist, you have no excuse for not putting a little effort into your lovin’ every now and then (even if the only person you’re currently dating is yourself).

For couples: The next time you have sex, treat your partner to a 20-minute (minimum) massage first. Turn up the heat in the room, turn down the lights, undress them, and give them an all-over body rub-down, avoiding the obvious erogenous zones until the very end. No need to use oil or put on Enya, but if you do the former, just remember to keep it away from genitals as it can lead to vaginal infection and break down condoms. If you do the latter, we can’t help you.

photo by Brandon Baunach

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for five months and we have a great relationship…well, almost great. When we have sex, I have a hard time crossing the finish line. We’ve tried many positions and everything feels great. I just can’t orgasm. It’s at the point that it’s getting really frustrating for me, and any help would be greatly appreciated!

– Desperate for a Victory Lap

Dear DFAVL,

If you want to know how you and your boyfriend can orgasm simultaneously during penetration every time, sorry, you’re out of luck. If we knew that, we’d be richer than Oprah. But here are ten things we do know that will help increase your chances of orgasmic success…

1. We’re assuming by “sex,” you mean penile penetration. And that’s your first mistake. You say you’ve tried many intercourse positions, but maybe it’s not an intercourse position that will ultimately do it for you — maybe it’s oral sex, or handwork, or some combination of the two. There’s no shame in getting your orgasm via non-intercourse means — the majority of women don’t. Nor is there any shame in you having your orgasm and then him having his. Remember, sex — especially for women — doesn’t necessarily happen in a straight line, i.e.  your orgasm won’t necessarily be located conveniently at his finish line, or vice versa. Plus, it’s much easier for gals to keep going after a Big O than the lads. And you may find that certain intercourse positions feel even better (perhaps even orgasmic) after you’ve had one orgasm.

2. Again, intercourse alone is orgasmic for very few women, given how far the clitoris is from the vaginal opening — and how key clitoral stimulation is for most women’s orgasms. So don’t forget to supplement all those positions with a little extra clitoral stimulation — your hand, his hand, a small vibrator, a helpful neighbor’s hand…

3. Three words: Coital Alignment Technique. Learn it, live it, love it, Google it. In fact, any position where your bodies are mashed up against each other is good — because close contact means more friction down there, and more friction down there means more clitoral stimulation.

4. Try a vibrating love ring, like this one from Babeland. Because vibrating clitoral stimulation could be just the thing your intercourse life has been missing. You know all those times a dude looks at a sex toy and thinks, “Hey, my penis doesn’t vibrate like that?” Well, now it can!

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Photo by alborzshawn

These are our shiny new digs! You’ll soon find the daily sex & relationship advice, horoscopes, product reviews, how to’s and general enthusiastic encouragement for your love lives that you’ve come to expect from us (over at the now-defunct Daily Bedpost), but now with a new-and-improved design, new features, and more good dirty fun. Expect a lot more decorating to be done in the coming weeks. We hope you’ll make yourself comfortable while you’re here, and then keep dropping by often — we love the company! Please let us know what you think and if there’s anything specific you’d like to see in our humble abode…okay, in our abode.