Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
People are strange, when you’re a stranger, faces look ugly, when you’re alone. Yeah, we know Jim Morrison died at twenty-seven, wrote god-awful poetry and had a tendency to pull out his penis on stage, but the man had a point: socializing can look strange and ugly from the outside. But some strangers have good candy, and some of them look as good in black leather as the Doors frontman. This week, approach the oddest ball in the room and befriend him/her. At the very least, you’ll get a one-night stand with a beautiful stranger.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Fire needs three elements to keep burning: heat, fuel and oxygen. (We can’t remember if we learned that from science class or The Towering Inferno, but we’re sure it’s true.) Let’s say that fire is a good relationship, and heat is passion, fuel is compatibility and oxygen is the work you put into it. Sometimes, it feels so damn hot that you’re sure there must be a fire somewhere. But then again, maybe it’s just global warming.
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Let’s draw a chart. We’re mapping your fun level against the number of nights you hit the town with your friends. Do you see the trajectory? Do you observe how more nights out equals more fun for you? And do you see that “fun recession” in the middle there? That’s what happens when you try to go one-on-one with someone. Hold off on that for a while — your personal economy is not stable enough to bear this burden just yet.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
There’s nothing like a secret affair: the excitement, the danger, the whispers in the ear, the knowing glances, the late night calls, the waiting by the phone, the little white lies, the unplanned weekends, the last-minute cancellations, the bottled-up emotions, the distrust, the deception, the jealousy, the fighting, the yelling… On second thought, think twice.
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can wrangle your way into anyone’s heart faster than a worm into an apple. Except not so gross. We know that most people don’t like finding a worm (or worse, half a worm) in their apple, but trust us, you’re the loveable kind of larva. When people see you, they don’t shriek, “Gross!” Instead, they think, “How lovely that this apple is obviously farm-grown and pesticide-free!” While we’re on the subject: Don’t forget to patronize your local farmers’ markets.
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll be in the mood to let your inhibitions go this week. Instead of downing a fifth of gin to accomplish this goal, just focus on your heart’s desires, swallow your pride, be completely honest and true intimacy will be yours. Then you can get loaded to help yourself forget what a cheeseball you’ve become.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ve heard it all before: “Life is short. Seize the day. You only get one shot, so live it to the fullest. No regrets!” But have you really listened? It’s hard to keep the big picture in mind when you’re bogged down with the disappointments, conflicts and embarrassments of the day-to-day. But you don’t want to be on your deathbed, right before that light goes out, and suddenly be struck by the awful existential question, “What if?” Chances are, at that point you’ll be less concerned with the fact that forty years earlier you made an ass of yourself by taking a chance and confessing your true feelings to the one you love. There’s even a chance they’ll be by your bedside holding your hand at the end. (Sniffle, sniffle.).
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Not everyone knows a sure thing when they see it — if they did, we’d all be Microsoft millionaires by now. But allow us, if you will, to share a little stock tip for the week: you’re the sure thing! As long as you’re out and about, you can’t lose — you’ll be more sought after that Bill Gates at a Trekkies singles convention.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Driving anywhere outside of New York City, if you want to change lanes, you signal, check for an opening, make sure the other driver has seen you and then carefully move over, all the while maintaining a steady speed. For decades, drivers have found that this leads to a harmonious, crash-free driving experience. In New York, on the other hand, your “signal” is to start edging into the next lane and instead of checking that the other driver has seen you, you just honk really loudly. Sounds like hell, right? You should see the road rage. This week, if you’re thinking of getting into (or out of) a serious relationship, think of it like lane-sharing: you could do it like New Yorkers, or you could do it like the rest of the world. Which do you think is better? (It’s not a trick question.)
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
In made-for-TV movies and daytime soap operas, you can always tell when someone is lying about their past. The music takes a turn for the ominous, the liar’s eyes shift repeatedly, left to right, right to left, and then we’re treated to a flashback scene that shows us what really happened. If only life came equipped with such cues. This week, you’ll need to rely on your detective skills and keep your eyes peeled for more subtle hints that things are not what they appear.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If it’s the thought that counts, then stand up and be counted! You’ve got thoughtfulness by the truckload. Use it before it all goes to waste! You’ll be surprised: thoughtfulness is the high-octane fuel of good relationships.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Alice wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary when she fell into Wonderland, and it was simply her curious nature that led her to follow the instructions “Eat me” and “Drink me” (either that or a heretofore undetected history of substance abuse). One might say you’re a sort of Alice — free-spirited, independent, tempestuous. Go along your merry way, and before you know it you’ll have Mad Hatters and Cheshire Cats inviting you over for tea. (Just avoid the little blue pills, if you know what we mean.)