Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometimes we think the stars would rather be hosting a daytime talk show or writing self-help books with titles like “Who Moved My Constellation?” To wit, your horoscope reading this week: “Don’t cave into the pressure of someone demanding a romantic decision from you. You need more time.” We’d like to add that you also fear intimacy, commitment, and green-food-dyed beer.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Nobody puts Baby in a corner. This week, a particularly annoying “nobody” will be pursuing you all the way into that corner. If you don’t want to get backed into a corner — i. e. if you want to avoid a sloppy drunken make-out sesh in a corner booth with annoying Traci/Tony from Accounts — then stay home and rent old Patrick Swayze flicks instead. Or if you need company, invite some close friends over (but no friends with benefits) for a night of whiskey and Irish ballad singing
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You will be a tad fickle this week. Boredom will set in if the people around you are not exciting and full of adventure. Focus on group endeavors so that you don’t have to be partnered off with anyone in particular. Like marching with the gay and lesbian group in your local St. Patrick’s Day parade, whether they’re “allowed” to or not. Political activism is the next best thing to nookie.
cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Although you will attract a lot of attention this week (and not just because that green face paint you wore for St. Patrick’s Day didn’t turn out to be quite as “water-soluble” as the instructions claimed), you may not be all that excited about the source(s) of that attention. Well, maybe you should be just a little less superficial. Maybe you don’t look so hot either, what with that subtle green tinge to your skin. But your mother still loves you, and it certainly doesn’t affect your skills in the sack. So don’t judge a book by its cover, and don’t judge a hottie by their hairstyle, either. (Wait till you’ve been dating for a month and then work on their mullet.)
leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Doors are opening for you all over the place this week. Don’t blow it by having nothing planned — that’s the dating equivalent of leaving a fake dog turd on the doorstep, ringing the doorbell, and making a run for it. Here’s your heads-up: The question you ask will most likely receive an affirmative answer. So make sure you’re prepared with your follow-up to their big fat “yes. ” As in: “Wanna go out sometime?” “Yes!” “Cool, I’ve got front-row seats to Riverdance, wanna come?”
virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Be nice to your neighbors. And by “neighbors,” we don’t mean humankind; seriously, be nice to the people who literally live nextdoor to you. Don’t come on too strong with your love interest — though we should say that as long as you’re not a stalker, there really is no such thing as “too strong” . . . it’s kind of like coffee that way. Do some volunteer work, or at least be charitable to the jerks you work with. Get some new hair product; the stuff you’re using isn’t doing your mane justice. Add fiber to your diet. Resist all impulses toward anything green this week: green eyeshadow, green-dyed food, the green-eyed monster.
libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ve got more going on this week than a James Joyce book. But rather than seeming like a thick, daunting tome that’s torture to get through, you read more like a nice, simple Yeats poem — lyrical but not too wordy, deep but not too hard to understand. People will want to be versed in your ways.
scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will find it easy to open up emotionally this week. You’ll talk about your feelings and what you are looking for in a relationship. The object of your affections is likely to be enamored with your honesty and openness. We know: We can’t believe it either. If you had asked us last week, we would have said you had a better chance of running into a leprechaun with a pot of gold than you did of exhibiting so much emotional maturity.
sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.
capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your week will be practically perfect when it comes to love, like you’ve got a four-leaf clover stuck up your butt. You like someone and they like you back and the two of you will be all cuddly, making goo-goo eyes at each other. There may even be some baby talk involved. Now go away before you make us puke.
aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you really feel bad for Britney Spears. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.
pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars say that you’ll be “romantically challenged” this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dumbass all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like an Irish fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.