Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-02-12

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you can share your intellectual dreams with someone, they may be The One. If you can only bear to talk to them for more than an hour at a time, they might do nicely for a spring fling.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The spotlight will flatter you this week, so do whatever it takes to get into it. (Doing “The Tuck” à la The Silence of the Lambs at parties does not count.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
I can’t hear you! Na na na na na na! I’m not listening! . . . Get used to it: You’re going to be hearing that a lot this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
One of your friends is teetering on the more-than-friends line. One little breeze and it’ll be all over — you’ll have a low-grade stalker on your hands. Don’t fall for the attention.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If there was a recommended daily allowance of sexual energy, then you’d be eating fifteen bowls a day of Booty Flakes this week. Don’t O.D.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Commitment is catching up to you fast. Put on your running shoes if you don’t want to get bit in the ass (though ass-biting is an oft underrated pleasure).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You may feel like you have more than enough lovin’ to go around, but your partners won’t always agree. Make sure everyone’s in the loop before you start being an oversharer.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Finally! This week you’ll actually make a mental connection with someone you’re getting busy with. So you might want to stick around for cuddle time for a change.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be in the driver’s seat all week. And you may well receive head from the hottie in the passenger seat. Sometimes, life’s just that simple.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Confucious say, He who talks too much eats shoe before too long.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, your sex drive and your sexual opportunties will be completely in sync. Don’t you just love it when that happens?